Thursday, 31 December 2015

Better living through chemistry

I slept almost right through last night and woke up not feeling shattered - or groggy from the sleeping pill. What a difference!
Happy New Year! 
Woo hoo!

Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Yesterday...

Was a lovely day, but it ended with me too pissed to post.
My PiL arrived just before 10 and we chatted for a couple of hours before the taxi I'd booked arrived to take us out for lunch. My MiL, J, had booked our table based on TripAdvisor reviews and not much choice in the town where we live, and on arrival she wasn't that sure she'd picked well, but as you may be able to see, the food was very good. And not at all diety. Melon with parma ham, followed by a 10oz ribeye with chips, then honeycomb parfait for dessert. Apologies for the iPhone picture quality.



We left the pub at 2:30 and were driven home; as soon as we got home my FiL, S, and I changed and went for a walk. We covered about 5.5 miles and just in case we'd burned off any of our lunch calories we chose to stop at a Costa Coffee for a seasonal latte - and S added a couple of muffins we hadn't discussed while placing the order.
 After that completely unjustified snack we headed home to drink some more; much later I cooked a selection of Tesco & waitrose Christmas party foods for tea but no one could eat much of them sadly. We talked a lot, watched some TV, drank - some of us more than others - and generally had a really nice evening. 
They left quite early this morning to drive home to Wales and then I headed out for a walk despite the 40+ mph winds that nearly cost me a souvenir baseball cap I bought in Newport, Rhode Island on a US and Canada cruise many years ago. I also had a doctors appointment to renew my Citalopram prescription and while I was at it, got a sleeping pill prescription as well. Because I slept approx 15 minutes last night I'm afraid I'm having a ridiculously early night tonight and have already taken a sleeping pill to hopefully give me a better night tonight. I can hear the rain hammering against my bedroom window and it actually sounds cosy in that 'I have nowhere to be' kind of way. I won't be happy if it's still raining tomorrow but I'm hoping it will wear itself out over night. 
Tired now....

Monday, 28 December 2015

So Christmas is done

But not-Christmas, for me, lasts until next Sunday evening.
I was going to post on Friday but I did nothing at all post worthy. I went for a walk (less than 3 miles because my back starts aching at 3 miles just now), read a lot, watched TV a lot, and cooked a meal from my favourite Chinese cookbook that I've had since I was 18. I cooked Chinese just to be clear about it not being a Christmas dinner.
On Boxing Day I did all the above things again apart from cooking Chicken with Peanut Butter.
Yesterday... I did them again. 
If you read this far without falling asleep, congratulations. But before you feel sorry for me or reject me for extreme (even by my standards) tediousness you should know how much I need this right now. I'm still sleeping badly despite not being as depressed. (I have to get to the doctor this week for a renewal of my antidepressants prescription and will ask him for advice / help / more drugs) So I've basically been exhausted for months and now I'm merely tired. By the time I go back to work on the 4th I hope to be human again. However tomorrow my mother in law and father in law are visiting us which never fails to be a chaotic exercise in getting drunk and eating crap and not sleeping AT ALL so that could be a set back. Worth it though as I haven't seen her in over a year. They are coming back again in a couple of weeks to help us move house.
Anyway. As I mentioned above if I walk too far at the moment I ache. I've been meaning all week to double up on the shorter walks so I could still gets some decent miles in but the weather - and the fact that the more interesting walks along rivers and through woods are so slippery underfoot that I've had to stick to boring Street walking (so to speak) has put me off. I basically went out once a day maximum. But this morning was beautiful - sunny, much less windy, dry and mild. So today I did actually double up and managed almost 6 miles with no pain even though I was carrying shopping in my rucksack. This made me happy :-)
Foodwise I have not been so happy. I have mostly avoided bingeing and mostly avoided gluten - but haven't totally avoided either, and with feeling a little out of control on that front I've been getting anxious and also drinking a bit. Not massively, not enough to get drunk even with my lightweight tolerance, but pretty much daily, which is a habit I don't want to be in. I'm not going to kid myself that either year eating or the food will be right tomorrow with M's family visiting, but I'm going to try to do better for the rest of the week so I'm hopefully not suffering with dodgy digestion by the time I go back to work. At the moment I'm looking forward to that, which hopefully will make it easier to get back into it.

Thursday, 24 December 2015

Singing in the rain

I wasn't singing in the rain.
I was swearing at the rain, which is different and probably more musical than any effort at singing I might be capable of.
And I am so tired of the wind. Although since reading about deadly tornadoes in the US I admit it could be so much worse.
Something else I'm tired of is being constipated because I ate toast on Sunday. It's Thursday today, right? Aaarrgghhhh 
I didn't risk weighing myself today. Once I'm unblocked is good enough time for that.
Today I finally heard that I will have a job in January, so that's one less thing to ridiculously stress over.
As the weather was appalling I stayed in this morning. After lunch it got better but M was nagging me to watch a movie so we watched the latest Mission Impossible film. To be fair I enjoyed it's ridiculousness and nonstop action.
After the movie I went for a walk and the weather had turned quite pleasant although of course it was getting close to sunset. Unfortunately my back protested again so between that and impending dusk I didn't go far or last long. I'm still glad I got out though.
As today I didn't do much I'll call it quits there and just say Merry Christmas to those who do it, Happy long weekend for those who don't - and leave it at that 

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

What a beautiful morning

I know that the forecast for tomorrow is pretty horrible but it was sunny for most of the morning here - almost too bright, with the sun being so low in the sky at this time of year.
I went for a walk this morning and popped out to be shorn this afternoon for another easy six + mile day. My walk was mainly on the roads as everything is so muddy at the moment, but it felt good most of the way. I did have some back ache again though, and I really hate it when walking hurts - it used to provide some relief.
This afternoon I did one of my least favourite activities - got my hair cut. It was long overdue (I used the excuse of not going in there with a heavy cold when it was actually due and then just kept putting it off) and my hair was in a reasonably awful state. I actually caught myself considering growing it out just to avoid going to the hairdresser - despite the fact that I know perfectly well long hair does not suit me at all. If I knew I would be unemployed (with no interviews) for a few months I'd actually be tempted to shave my head rather than let someone loose on it with scissors. Still, I'm always happier with it when it's been done and this time was no exception. Plus she took off at least a pound of hair :-)
Speaking of pounds I haven't dared weigh myself since Wednesday or Thursday of last week. I must get back into that, but I'm a little afraid I might be so upset by the number on the scales that I decide to binge for comfort 'because I've already screwed everything up so badly'. Maybe tomorrow.... Or the next day 

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

I love holidays

Yesterday after posting in the morning I ate 100% perfectly (drinking is another matter as I had a Coors Lite - only one though) and today everything I've eaten has been from the animal kingdom apart from some artificial sweeteners in the form of sugar free soda and sugar free jelly. Why is this significant? Because from Thursday to Sunday I was face down in a bathtub of carbs, most of them unhealthy. I didn't binge at the weekend but very little of wine ate fitted on my plan. I even had chips on Saturday and rice on Friday and Sunday! I know I told you that I would get back to things on Monday and I did - but I expected it to be really hard after multiple days of evil and I was very surprised to find it really easy. Today wasn't hard either, and today I  was also booze free.
Yesterday I walked almost 6.5 miles and mostly enjoyed it - but I did notice my back started aching a bit on the last hill, as it had on Sunday as well after a good few miles. Today I wanted to walk but it wasn't comfortable and given the weather was so windy I decided to give it a miss. Right now it's pouring with rain outside and I have a horrible feeling that is not going to be the last time I say that this holiday. I will try to walk if it's not both windy AND raining, but make no promises if it is.
Still no news about whether I'm going to be employed in January...

Monday, 21 December 2015

Lovely weekend

This weekend was my not-Christmas-because-I'm-not-doing-Christmas visit to my Mum and I also spent Sunday with my brother.
I caught the train quite early - before it was light - and arrived only 15 minutes late due to signal problems in Wiltshire. The forecast said it would be wet in the morning and drier in the afternoon, so we decided to wait till after lunch to go out. Sadly the actual weather was the other way around so we stayed in through the dry morning and then called off our afternoon plans when it started raining literally the minute I got out of their car. We'd been planning to walk around Lacock, so rain would not have done much for that.
So instead we stayed in and chatted and watched old episodes of Midsomer Murders - it was really relaxing and enjoyable.
Sunday my brother picked me up around 10 and we drove to Batheaston, parked up near the Kennet and Avon canal, and walked along the tow path to Bath. 



Growing up I loved Bath and went there a lot but after I moved away it got less and less frequent, and yesterday was the first time I'd been for at least a decade. It's still a beautiful city! 







I recognised the buildings but most of the shops had changed. We expected it to be really crowded but it was surprisingly civilised. For lunch Street bought me a Caribbean goat curry from a Hut set up not too far from the train and bus stations and it was lovely.
After walking all around the city we made our way back to the canal, returned to the car, and then went to his house for an hour so I could make a big fuss of his cat before my train.


The only downside of the weekend was extreme tiredness caused by insomnia Friday and Saturday nights - if we hadn't been out and about I might well have slept through half of Sunday. Instead I walked 12.5 miles by the time I got home and it was great!

Friday, 18 December 2015

BAH humbug

Today was the company Christmas Lunch and before that the Secret Santa and awards and recap of the last year. I didn't go to the lunch or partake on the rest because I'm antisocial, tight, and a Grinch.
Even when I am less miserable I hate, loathe and despise Nerf Guns - and every year here at least 10 people get either a Nerf gun or ammo for the one they got last year, so every year on this day Nerf War breaks out in the office. THIS IS WHY I WANTED TO WFH TODAY.
Sadly because I still have no extension I had to go in to hand over my laptop and security pass. And, more importantly but less sadly get my time sheet signed so I can invoice them ASAP.
I spent quite a bit of today in the ladies room hiding from the slightly forced gaiety and hilarity and planning a gruesome death for any colleague(s) who might hit me with a Nerf dart. 
Scrooge was a sappy soft hearted tree hugger next to me - and I'm talking about the first half of the book! 
I should have taken a day off.
Anyway. It was impossible to handle all the impotent rage and stick to my diet as well. No one could have done it.
Starting tomorrow with my new plan. Actually maybe Monday as I'm visiting my mum tomorrow for the weekend. So I calmed myself from homicidal rage to mere simmering hatred with chocolate and we had a takeaway tonight. A disappointing Chinese - there are no good Chinese takeaways in this area apparently. 
M & I are both now on holiday till the 4th of January - assuming in my case that I have my extension sorted out by then. I really need this break...

Thursday, 17 December 2015

Thursday thoughts

I worked from home today because I couldn't face the office. I really hope the refurb job going on at the moment is the reason for my current dislike of the place since I really don't like it there right now. Of course that comment could be totally academic as tomorrow is currently my last day there.
I didn't eat completely to plan- I ate cashew nuts, which do not belong on a low carb diet let alone a zero carb / carnivorous one, and I drank hot chocolate (made with pure unsweetened chocolate, double cream and Splenda, but still...)
I have completely lost my diet mojo it seems- but I think I've figured out why.
When I started eating zero carb I skewed my meals towards the first half of the day and when I started fasting I skewed it further, eating at least 800 calories for breakfast, which was sometimes uncomfortable. Then I eased back on breakfast, it became much smaller, and as a result was actually hungry during the day. As a binge eater I don't deal well with hunger. Add in even a little stress - like illness / injury/ job worries and insomnia and it's hardly surprising I turned to old habits to feel happier/ relieve stress or even just to boost my energy levels.
I feel a bit dumb for not realising sooner, but now that I do I intend to go back to the massive breakfast, reasonable lunch and very small or nonexistent dinner pattern and see if it enables me to get back on track. I will include small amounts of mushrooms, garlic, onions and green vegetables such as broccoli and courgette. And see how it goes :-)

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Made it to the office Wednesday

Wrote this yesterday and forgot to click publish apparently - that never happened before :-)

And today I got here the old fashioned linear way that didn't involve driving half way to London.
I got into the office just before 7 and literally no one else was in there until just before 8. It was quiet obviously, which I normally like, but also creepy and lonely and I wanted to go home by about 7:15. Then I discovered that today would actually have been a good day to work from home because our team (6 people including me) currently has only 5 desks (and at least one person WFH every day - or hot desking) and today the whole team is in the office because everyone except me was going out for a seasonal team lunch. I suspect it was taken for granted that I would WFH (don't know why...) so no one bothered to ask. I came in so I could silently stare at my boss telepathically reminding him for the 13455677889th time that my contract expires on Friday and I don't yet know if I'm coming back in January. Again. Anyhow I begged the guy who had to hot desk to take my desk while I went home but he refused. And the lunch was postponed to tomorrow so I have the same dilemma / opportunity again.
At lunchtime I went for my walk and read the archives of a defunct blog by one of my favourite bloggers all the way there and all the way back again. Which was enjoyable but I still miss my walking buddy.
No binge today but I didn't eat well either due to people bringing in chocolate.  I did eat my intended meals though, it was just a couple of extra naughty bits as well.

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

I didn't want to go into the office today

But I went out and got in my car and started driving in anyway. You know, being a grown up and doing the necessary rather than desirable thing.
I realised exactly how deep in my subconscious the 'don't wanna' went when I drove past my turn off for the M4 and then, instead of staying on the same A road towards Reading that would still get me to work, took a turn off onto the M4 that was heading towards London instead of Wales! I had to drive to the next junction (which of course involved some time in a traffic jam), turn around and drive back. It added 20 minutes to my journey (which in the morning generally takes only 25 minutes) and I still ended up in the office. So conscious mind > subconscious mind and only I was inconvenienced.
But that doesn't happen when I work in my living room. Just sayin'.
I went for a walk at lunchtime in a light but persistent drizzle. I didn't really mind it and it kind of matched my mood since I am just a little bit... Subdued? Not really depressed like before, but not entirely on a new even keel either. Somewhere in between. 
I didn't binge today but didn't eat to plan either - I had a sausage roll for lunch and the pastry wasn't gluten free. I don't feel terrible for it but if you could hear the weird noises my stomach is making right now you'd probably agree I need to get over this apparent desire to destroy my digestive system. I don't know why I'm suddenly back to craving things that I know will do more harm than good but something strange is going on in my head. Or stomach. Maybe both. It's kind of tiring...

Monday, 14 December 2015

I binged again today

I had a fairly crappy stressful weekend and I good spontaneously anxious and agitated out of nowhere this morning. I walked to the supermarket at lunchtime, bought a load of crap and pigged out. 
Must. Find. Better. Coping. Mechanism 

Friday, 11 December 2015

Then again

I wrote this yesterday (most of it anyway) but was too tired to remember to post it. 

I'm feeling a bit low again at the moment. I'm sure it's just physical - fighting a cold while continuing to not sleep very well - but it's disappointing after such a short time of feeling so much more cheerful. Or maybe, though I very much doubt it, it's cabin fever from spending so much time working from home this week.
This morning I was struggling with the desire to ring in sick and just spend the day curled up in bed but as usual my mercenary contractor genes wouldn't let me lose the money for a day's work. Even though I woke up with such a bad headache I was taking painkillers before I even went to the loo - usually nothing comes before that. The painkillers did work but I felt groggy all morning because of my bad night last night.
I forced myself out for a walk at lunchtime  in the hope that the fresh air would clear my head. Then 3 minutes out I remembered that I was supposed to be staying in to take delivery of a new Sim card for M and had to go back. Still waiting for the sim prevented me going out after work as well. Then we found the sim under the flap of the cardboard box his phone came in on Thursday - a box I had checked twice. So I stayed in all day for no reason apart from my own daftness. 
I am aware that while I've been wallowing - and not walking much, let alone anything more energetic - the inactivity has probably been feeding the depression, the tiredness and the generally run down feeling I've had for too long, so if the weather doesn't actually stop me I need to try harder to do something some of the time. I'm fed up with myself at the moment so goodness knows how annoying everyone else must be finding me. 

Of course as soon as I reached that conclusion the weather turned to total crap. It's due to rain all weekend - thanks for that, weather goblins! I have some things to do today that I plan to use to force myself out anyway but who knows if I will...

Thursday, 10 December 2015

Nearly recovered

From the mini binge.
Today has felt a bit anticlimatic to be honest. Yesterday evening I found a bug that should have been picked up months ago - but wasn't. It isn't a massive thing but it's not insignificant either. I was expecting some fur to fly today but in fact everything was pretty quiet even once the bug had been reproduced and confirmed as a problem. It's not that I wanted lots of drama but it is a bit disconcerting when you're braced for it and nothing happens ;-)  Waiting for the other shoe to drop had me a little on edge and anxious but I'm happy to say I didn't overeat or eat anything outside my plan. It's not at all easy for me to resist bingeing again for a day or so after a binge and I can't claim there was no temptation - but it was totally manageable (with the help of cold, wet and windy weather to put me off going out)
As far as the cold goes it didn't - go. I still have the annoying (and weirdly tiring) cough and my sinuses are still inflamed. It's an odd sensation and hard to explain but when I cough or sniff I can feel it throughout my head - tightness or discomfort shooting through my head. Not pleasant and I hope it doesn't last long.
Because of the weather and the cold I didn't do anything energetic or interesting today so I'll leave off there and hope for a better day tomorrow.

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Still here

So is the cold. I didn't post yesterday because it would have been just a catalogue of sniffles and sneezes and the only thing less fun than reading that would be living it!
I'm doing a bit better today - if I laugh I cough but the sneezing seems to have stopped so that's something. Though I have a fairly persistent niggling sinusy headache which is a bit annoying. 
I worked from home again and I had after work overtime again - thankfully  it didn't  take as long as last time. I don't mind being paid a bit extra but 14 hour days do not agree with me. Not that I enjoyed my 10 hr day today.
I went for a walk at lunchtime today and thoroughly enjoyed myself. This morning was beautiful - sunny and not too cold - and I was on tenterhooks wondering if it would last long enough for me to spend some time outside in the sunshine. It did - even though I didn't get to take my lunch time walk until nearly 2 because I was rushing to get ready for the deployment this evening!
My lunchbreak isn't long enough to get off trail and go into the woods or anything but even urban walking is pleasant when the sun is shining.
Unfortunately due to the stress of rushing to finish things I didn't eat a proper lunch and had a mini binge instead. Sigh. But it's probably a good sign that I see it more as a regrettable mistake than a hanging offence like I would have a little while ago. Now I just need to work on not doing it again....

Monday, 7 December 2015

If it's not one thing...

I have a cold. I think I caught it by reading Joy's blog :-)
OK, maybe it's more likely I caught it on the train or in the hospital on Thursday or possibly in the office Wednesday - the only days I mixed with other people.
On Friday it was a couple of sneezes but it was full blown on Saturday - just in time to make doing housework a royal pain (we're moving again in January and someone wanted to view the current house). I tried to persuade M to tell the letting agent to reschedule because the house had become a plague pit but he refused so just before 10 I headed out for a walk to avoid the viewing. Then the potential tenants cancelled. And the letting agent didn't bother calling us. So M had to call them to find out that the viewing wasn't happening. Why are people so inconsiderate?
Anyway by the time all this was happening I was a couple of miles away walking in a strong wind and slightly wishing I'd stayed home despite the viewing so as soon as I learned of the cancellation I headed for home.
On Sunday I didn't have the strength or inclination to go for a walk in the continuing high winds (and cold drizzle) so I stayed close to home and we watched Despicable Me 2. I want an army of Minions, does anyone know where I can find some?
Anyway again, despite the cold I'm still feeling on a more stable footing in terms of my mood so I think the pills are finally at effective dose and the worst should be over. Today I went in to the office even though I hate people taking their germs in to spread around because my desk had been moved over the weekend and I thought I had to reassemble everything; as it turned out, someone had already done it for me. I'm now surrounded by people where before I was tucked into a corner and the people behind me talked crap most of the morning till I was bordering on inappropriate yelling. But I was also feeling fairly crappy physically so at lunchtime I drove home and worked the afternoon in bed - warmer, quieter, more peaceful and more relaxed. I need a job that allows me to work from home most of the time with occasional visits to the office once or twice a month... Just enough to stave off cabin fever!

Friday, 4 December 2015

All's well

Yesterday's appointment went really well surprisingly. I came out of the consultation 15 minutes BEFORE I was due to go in!!! You can appreciate my shock if you ever read about any other appointment I've had there.
According to the consultant I spoke to there is no sign of a recurrence of the swelling or fluid build up from earlier this year. Because it's been aching a bit lately he didn't discharge me, but said unless there was a change I didn't need to go back for 6 months.
The downside of the appointment of course is the usual pain and annoyance they always inflict - the pupil diluting drops that burn going in and the brighter than the sun lights they then shine into those poor, defenceless eyes. And the blurriness of all things for several hours. I made it back to the train station afterwards and promptly got on the wrong train! Luckily I heard an announcement of the stops with enough time in hand to cross the platform and board the correct train.
When I got home M persuaded me to have a celebratory takeaway. I plumped for a kebab, and we tried a new place - sadly it was disappointing. But still I was hungry, I assume because I'd walked 5 miles for the first time in at least a month and my usual feeding window hadn't provided enough calories for that. The walking was good but when I got home I had sore feet as well as blurry eyes, which just shows how inactive I've been lately. 
The blurry eyes stopped me writing a post last night.
This morning I had a headache which is common after the above mentioned torture session so I worked from home. As I was supposed to be moving desk this afternoon so the office refurbishment can move into my usual space I was glad to avoid the disruption and racket too.
At lunchtime I made it out for a walk - wearing sunglasses because it was quite bright and a nice day. The feet didn't protest too much, I figure they probably worked out that I'm getting back to normal and just accepted their fate.

Wednesday, 2 December 2015

The sun shone

Yes, I'm feeling good today. I won't keep up the corny metaphors, don't worry!
That isn't entirely a metaphor anyway as it was sunny today for about 2 hours - and miraculously one of them was my lunch break. Yes, I did go for my (formerly) regular 2 mile walk - even though my (former) walk buddy was stuck in a meeting and I was walking alone. I didn't stick my head in a book or wallow in depressive introspection either, I'm happy to report - I just ambled along enjoying the sunshine, the mild temperature and the movement. 
I felt like me.
After work I popped to the shop and enjoyed even that - apart from the queueing. M had a takeaway this evening to celebrate having some good news about a contract extension for him (I'm once again waiting to hear about mine) but I'd eaten too much earlier in the day as I'm getting back into the fasting so I didn't bother joining him. I considered getting something to have for breakfast /lunch tomorrow but decided cold or reheated kebab for lunch didn't sound all that celebratory so gave it a miss.
Tomorrow I am working from home because - are you sitting down? - my ophthalmology appointment wasn't postponed and is due to happen tomorrow afternoon! I know, I'm amazed too. I'm actually really really glad because THE eye has started aching a little bit the last couple of weeks and it will be good to get it checked out. Could just be the time of year or all the crying I was doing, in which case no worries, but oddly enough I'm not inclined to take much on trust where my eye's concerned. However the appointment is right at the end of the clinical day - 4:15 - so they're bound to be running pretty late by then and I've no idea what time I'll get home afterwards. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

So tired

But still feeling better and more positive (or possibly delirious with exhaustion)
After finishing work at 10:30 last night I was too hyper with frustration and stress from the issues we'd been having to go straight to sleep - it was after 11 before I turned off the light and I was awake again before 3 am, so not a very satisfying night's sleep.
I got up at my usual time and stumbled around like a clumsier than normal drunk first thing so I didn't risk getting behind the wheel of the car, working from home instead. Which was really hard to do because the day after a deployment is usually quite quiet (unless things went really badly) and I was far too bored to focus on reading documents and planning testing, which was all I had on my plate today.
This morning, even though the day was grey and uninspiring, I actually briefly wanted to go for a walk - wanted to! Sadly I was too hungry at lunchtime to follow through, but just getting back the inclination felt good, I was almost excited at the prospect :-)
In fact I did go out after work but as it was getting dark it was a very short walk. But after a couple of weeks spending my lunch breaks at my desk and my weekends lying down it felt good to do something....however little.

Food today:
Breakfast: burgers with cheese 
Lunch: bacon, eggs and homemade sausage 


Monday, 30 November 2015

Always darkest

Well, the weekend was pretty disastrous for me. Following my pizza splurge on Thursday, Fridays lunch was mince pies and cream. Then in the evening I drank beer - 3 beers to be precise. And in an unpleasant yet weirdly triumphant way I demonstrated how successfully I cut down on the booze by being pissed on 3 pathetic beers. And eating more gluten in the form of toast to 'mop up the alcohol'.
At 1:30 I was up getting painkillers for a stabbing, piercing headache and half an hour after that I was throwing up / more than once. I actually woke up in the morning with a stomach acidy sore throat. But you know what? I actually felt less depressed (you know they say that slight pain, like hot chilli pain, can be medicinal in the sense that it distracts you slightly from another more serious pain? Like that)
And I also felt somewhat motivated not to be so f**cking stupid any more. I definitely went through comfort eating / drinking and straight into punishment eating and drinking. And it was pretty dire. I spent the majority of Saturday and Sunday lying on the bed in the spare bedroom (feeling nauseous on the Saturday) alone so I wouldn't have to talk / interact and not even on social media so I wouldn't have to read about other people coping much better than me with pretty much everything. I wallowed in it for 2 days without bingeing again or getting drunk again. I even ate vegetables.
This morning I felt a bit better. I worked from home because I had to do some overtime right after the usual work day and my stomach is still not 100% (it has an amazing repertoire of gurgling and squelching noises today) so I figured I'd spend the long day in as relaxed a fashion as possible. 
At lunchtime I popped to the shop but didn't buy myself anything that doesn't fit in my diet and my lunch was acceptable if not yet optimal. And I fasted this evening (largely because I didn't have time to eat but still)
I'm not back to normal per se, but I feel like there's a break in the clouds and somewhere behind them there's a possibility of sunshine. 
(Obviously that is purely and entirely metaphorical as there was NO HINT of sunshine in the real world today.)
But to feel that way on a Monday - especially a Monday when I started work at 7:30 am and was still working at 10:30 pm - is a giant step in the right direction.
GIANT.

Friday, 27 November 2015

Rollercoaster

This week really is like a rollercoaster for me. That's not a good thing - I hate rollercoasters. They make me want to throw up.
Yesterday I woke up feeling down and only got worse till lunchtime. I felt under pressure at work and really anxious as well as depressed - in fact bordering on panic a couple of times. The minute I could get out of the building for lunch I went into town and bought myself a delicious lunch of gluten, fat and sugar. I ate more than I needed to to stop feeling hungry and then spent the afternoon feeling stuffed but still went off and bought chocolate from the vending machine when the lunch high wore off.
Then I drove home - still feeling edgy and anxious - and demanded M join me in a takeaway. And picked pizza.  I picked pizza. Me.
I even said to M while we waited for it to be delivered that I expected to feel like crap tomorrow but it didn't matter. I mean it didn't stop me wanting it, ordering it, and eating it.
Then I slept reasonably well but woke up feeling like crap. I think it may actually be looking for a distraction from my brain rather than just a punishment for God knows what, since my stomach feels like death but my mood does feel a little bit less... well something, not sure what, paranoid and anxious certainly.
Anyway. I threw away the leftover pizza when I was tempted to eat it for breakfast. I think I'm inclined right now to just forget the eating plan in favour of making it through this week, although other bits of me are asking if the week would be easier to get through without the sugar highs and crashes and need to stay within 3 ft of the bathroom. But those bits of me are whispering and the other bits are shouting so I'll probably carry on bingeing and eating garbage for now.
I wonder if I should rename this blog - something like a brokenbodyandcrazybrain would be more appropriate at the moment...

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Working from home Wednesday

Quiet, peaceful and warm - three things that are hard to come by in the office.
All those things may have helped to make me quieter and more peaceful as well- despite my body declaring war on me after the crap I ate yesterday. Lets just say it's a good thing I'd already agreed to WFH today - there are some things I don't want to inflict on my colleagues.
On the positive side it has helped me get over the urges that defeated me yesterday and I feel more in control today. (Though I didn't dare weigh myself in the end) 
It's funny that every time I've visited a doctor to ask for antidepressants I've been warned that sometimes you feel worse before you feel better but this is the first time I've experienced that. Also it's given me more of the foggy brain and forgetfulness this time (although that could be the effect of chronic insomnia). With any luck this means that this time every thing will be amplified including the good stuff I'm actually taking it for! 

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

I suck

I know this just proves how vain and shallow I am, but words can't express what a downer my efforts at taking a halfway acceptable selfie this morning were. I'm now vividly aware of flaws I hadn't even noticed before (I'm an expert at looking in the mirror without really seeing myself) and I'm thinking the best thing I could do for my colleagues is start wearing a paper bag over my head. Or possibly a plastic bag with duct tape round the neck. All this for what turns out to be promotional literature for an American company that doesn't even employ me. 
Leaving aside my perfect face for radio I was already down this morning following my weighing which showed an undeserved number I hoped never to see again. Logically I'm aware that water fluctuations or digestive quirks were probably to blame but what has logic got to do with feelings? Which is why despite being miserable at least partly because of my weight I ate all the chocolate (and some of the crisps) for lunch today. At least tomorrow's weight will have been earned! Also, I don't feel bad about the eating because before I did that I was feeling very tumultuous and anxious and afterwards I was quite calm. Which is better when sharing an office with dozens and dozens of people, regardless of how that calm is achieved.

Monday, 23 November 2015

Bloody Monday AGAIN

One reason I know that my brain hasn't adapted to the antidepressants yet is that I have no interest in doing most of the things I generally enjoy doing - cooking, walking, posting on here... But I'm reading obsessively for comfort (it was always my favourite activity as a kid) even if I don't necessarily take in / remember everything I read - or even most of it. Still, I haven't fallen apart in a sobbing ball for over a week so I guess there's pros and cons.
On Friday I worked from 7 till 4 then from 5 till 7:30 (and that hour in between involved several checks of my work email and instant messaging chats with colleagues so not really a break) and when I finished I was shattered, and fell straight into bed to read until I couldn't keep my eyes open - about half an hour. Saturday I did virtually nothing all day - certainly no walking - and then yesterday I did some more of that again. 
Today I'm back in the office and have realised that I feel more depressed the minute I walk through the door into the construction site that is our office - even before the noise starts up. It doesn't help that this morning my corner of the office had no working light and the whole place had been unheated since Friday. My car claimed it was -2 this morning and the office didn't give me any reason to doubt it. Sitting at my desk in the dark wearing my coat got the day off to a great start.
Apart from extreme apathy all weekend I didn't feel too bad but today was definitely a bit of a set back. I was miserable and uncomfortable at work all day putting on a mostly cheerful face for as long as I could stand then sticking my ear buds in and listening to Classic fm when I started to get really sick of the totally trivial bullsh*t being spouted by some of my colleagues endlessly... At least I can listen to the radio in an emergency.
We've all been ordered to take selfish with our smartphones and send them to the marketing department tomorrow. Even contractors. At the moment I'm thinking hell no - I'm allergic to being in front of the camera and currently feeling way too ugly (not even to mention the overgrown hair I can't be bothered to have cut). Of course I'm too wussy to make a big thing of it do I'll probably just passive aggressively 'forget' until I'm reminded by someone senior and then take an ugly scowling photo that will be deleted the moment it hits the marketing woman's Inbox.
I hate my job.

Thursday, 19 November 2015

Rain

Rain
Power tools 
Rain
Hammering 
Rain 
Screaming 
OK no actual out loud screaming - but I was soooo tempted.
This office is not currently a good place to be, and the weather is not helping by trapping me there. 
Ah well. 
I woke up around 3 this morning - so I basically managed a lie in by recent standards. That's not getting better since I got medicated, or started fasting, or (2 days ago) gave in and put a duvet on the bed instead of my usual empty duvet cover. I'm out of Nytol and reluctant to buy any more and I think the self hypnosis thing I was using has lost its power over me. I guess I'll have to do another search.
I'm absolutely knackered today. Work today was insane with multiple last minute changes to software that's supposed to be going live tomorrow. I left work a bit late - only half an hour - but it was enough to make my drive home a lot slower and more stressful. A reminder if I needed it that I don't want to hang around past 4.

Food today: meatloaf cooked in the slow cooker. It looked like either the world's largest burger or possibly a cake made of beef mince. No photos because it slightly fell apart as it came out of the slow cooker inset.

Weight today: 10 st 11.5 lbs / 151.5 lbs / 68.8 kgs 

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

Wednesday from home

So nice not to have to drive to the office this morning as I woke up around 2 thanks to the wind and even a sleep hypnosis programme couldn't put me back under (it was the first time I've heard it through to the end). Plus the wind is rising again so I'm happy to be off the roads. Is it only me who can't feel really warm when I can hear the wind outside? The house itself was warm enough all day but I was fully dressed (in a sweatshirt and jeans) and under a duvet while working. Comfortable but I'm sure it was psychological. I used to think because they're lower to the ground you wouldn't hear as much wind noise in a bungalow - this is NOT true.
At lunchtime I was too busy in the kitchen for a walk - I'd just had my Tesco order and was roasting a gammon joint, assembling a meatloaf for tomorrow and frying a burger. I was really tempted to go out to buy some cream (having deliberately removed from my Tesco order) but persuaded myself not to by reminding myself that my eating window was up for today so there was no point until tomorrow. Hopefully by then the urge will have worn off. Though I did get genuinely hungry later and had to eat a little cold meat.

Food today: meatballs and burgers 

Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Tuesday again

Nothing of any interest happened at the weekend or yesterday. In fact I barely remember anything of the last 3 days.
One thing I do remember is the ridiculous noise levels in the office yesterday - and today it was worse, before 9am I was already getting homicidal. To be fair it quietened down later, I think the problem was they don't expect many people in early so they schedule lots of noisy jobs first thing. 
It was a really dreary day today wasn't it? I know Wales and coastal areas generally got the worst of it - cold rain and just enough wind to be annoying was as bad as it got here this morning - but it was enough to dissuade me from my lunchtime walk. And then it started really raining between 3 and 4 - just perfectly timed for my drive home at 4. It was only drizzling for the journey itself but plenty of spray to contend with. Now I can hear the wind howling around the house and have taken refuge under a duvet for comfort because it sounds cold.
In other news I think it's possible that I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better today - more stable in my mood - although it could be a placebo effect since I don't think I've got anywhere close to the therapeutic dose of my antidepressants yet. Whatever the reason though, despite still sleeping pretty badly - I feel lucky these days if I manage 6 hrs - I'm not feeling as hopeless or as exhausted, and it feels better.

Food today: burgers, burgers...

Friday, 13 November 2015

Friday again

A very peaceful Friday working from home again. From what I heard the same could not be said about the office.
I slept incredibly badly last night with lots of weird anxiety dreams and my brain spinning at a rate of knots half the night. I was shattered by morning and felt really groggy for hours. Even when my brain kind of woke up I didn't have the energy to go for a proper walk at lunchtime apart from a short sharp trip to the nearest shop. I doubt if I would have gone far anyway - it was really windy all day with heavy showers in the morning. Later it was much nicer to look out at with lots of bright sunshine, but still very windy and at one point a brief torrent with the sun - I guess that was our little exposure to Abigail down in the South.
I've got very little to post about today (obviously from the above) so I guess I won't waste your time :-)

Food today:
Breakfast: belly pork 
Lunch: leftover belly pork followed by cream 

Thursday, 12 November 2015

Thursday

Well, I was expecting to be disappointed in my hope that I could see the doctor today as they were fully booked when I phoned at 8:15 this morning. She suggested I call back at lunchtime in case of cancellations and I did, but no such luck at first. However, mysteriously I was able to get an appointment at 3:50 despite the lack of cancellations so I don't know what was going on there - someone hoping to finish early perhaps, but unable to actually refuse if specifically asked?
My mood was a bit lower today - maybe because home alone is less distracting than the office, even when it's annoying. So I am relieved to say that I now have my prescription and will start taking it tomorrow morning - I didn't want to start today because it can affect sleep patterns if you take it in the evenings and I want to start it off the way I intend to carry on. This time I'm resigned to just taking it indefinitely (so long as there are no intolerable side effects) and simply reducing the dose as low as possible once I feel better as I clearly can't trust my stupid brain to make its own chemicals consistently.
As I was working from home obviously I escaped the racket from the construction work. Just before I finished for the day I got an email warning that tomorrow there will be 'lots of loud drilling' and suggesting that we ask the builders for ear defenders 'if necessary'. It absolutely amazes me that people who work in a purely intellectual job requiring concentration should be expected to be at all effective or productive in that kind of situation. I will not be going in to be deafened, ear defenders or not, and I doubt I will be the only one.
The fasting is still going well. It's kind of an ongoing experiment to see which foods are the most satisfying for the longest time. Today's breakfast was a little less satisfying but lunch made up for it and I wasn't tempted to break the fast this evening. And this morning's weight in was a new low for my current onslaught against the blubber (I still want to lose about 8 more lbs but I'm not officially overweight any more and it's been a while since I could say that)
Food today:
Breakfast: bacon and eggs 

Lunch: lamb chops 

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Wednesday

The refurb is now properly underway in the office and it's amazingly helpful to hear hammering, sawing, banging and crashing when trying to focus on your actual job.
(Yesterday some code was deployed to my test environment that completely broke the exact functionality I'm supposed to be testing, so I can't claim today would have been amazingly productive if it were quiet, but still, we'll never know... maybe in a peaceful working environment I would have figured out the problem and saved the day!)
It's my belief that behind the temporary wall they erected directly behind my row of desks the builders are smoking - it smells that way anyway - and microwaving fish dishes. That adds a delightful twist. Also the heating / air con has been switched off for the duration and I thought that would make it rather cooler in the office. First thing this morning that was the case and the temperature was positively pleasant, but by afternoon it was hot (which may be a commentary on the amount of hot air we're all emitting) and there was no way to cool it down, which made me feel a bit icky -slightly nauseous - in the afternoon, especially with the above mentioned smells. On the positive side the purely physical annoyances and distractions didn't give me as much time to feel sorry for myself so I haven't been as depressed today. And I even managed to go for a walk this lunchtime, not shopping but just around this fairly appealing lake in the next business park to ours.
Between that and the extra long walk to the bathroom / kitchen I managed to walk 4 miles today, which isn't bad for a full time working in the office day. However tomorrow I'm working from home and will try to get an appointment at the doctors so I can kill two birds with one stone.
I'm still sticking to my fasting plan - actually instead of my 16:8 plan yesterday I stopped eating at 12 giving more of an 18:6 day (however I was and am a bit hungrier today so that might be going too far) We'll see though, as tomorrow is due to go the same way. At the moment I'm still not able to fit enough protein and calories to eat just once, though I'd still like to.

Food today:
Breakfast: lamb chops and scrambled eggs 

Lunch: Chicken wings 

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Tuesday

I forgot to mention yesterday that it's TTOM at the moment - and it's a doozy. Lots of stomach cramps and I'm retaining so much water the scales claim I gained 3.5 lbs overnight without eating a thing off plan. I feel like a barrage balloon and much as I hate it when sexist gits immediately go there - I'm pretty sure that some of my current emotional upheaval is hormonal. So between the antidepressants, once I get them, my hormones settling down and, if I keep it up, the antidepressant effect of the fasting I should be rainbows and sunshine by the end of the month. In which case no one, including me, will recognise me.
After I sobbed on his shoulder on Saturday night about the unending vista of a crap life not worth the effort of living through stretching endlessly ahead (I got a little redundant there as well as overly dramatic and this is why you probably shouldn't ask someone depressed why they are depressed) M decided to come up with something for me to look forward to. We aren't going on holiday at present because he likes all the (expensive) bells and whistles but we also haven't really been doing or planning anything fun to do on a smaller scale. Last night we booked tickets to go to War Horse in London in February. We'll also spend a night in London and have a nice meal to make a day of it. We saw the play and loved it in New York a few years ago and I read a review which said the British production is even better - and the run closes in March so if you like the theatre you should go quick (I can say that now we have tickets) and don't let the dreadful (I'm told) movie adaptation put you off if you accidentally saw it. I can't go as far as to say I'm excited yet, but a couple of weeks from Saturday I expect to be quite excited indeed. 
Today I was quite depressed indeed instead. The distractingness of work didn't work today and I had a few tearful moments that I hope went unnoticed. I'm not sure I will be waiting till the weekend for my appointment. Even though I know I'll still have to wait for the dose to reach therapeutic levels in my blood I feel like I need to get started on that as soon as possible.

Food today:
Brunch: steak and eggs 
Lunch: meatballs 

Monday, 9 November 2015

Monday

was actually kind of glad to get back to work today - only kind of, I haven't been bodysnatched! When I'm in the office I have to do some work, which is distracting even when it's boring, and I have to put on a show of being sane and behaving appropriately. At the weekend, I completely collapsed into a bawling howling mess on Saturday evening and on Sunday I didn't leave the house or even get dressed all day. It was not a good weekend.
I have made an appointment to see the doctor and request a prescription for antidepressants, and I've more or less decided that unless there are problematic side effects I'll just stay on them for as long as someone keeps prescribing them. I keep going on them, then coming off them, then eventually melting down completely at a point where it will take a few weeks for them to make me feel better. Not productive behaviour, and despite my reluctance to get dependant on them I think it's time to accept that my brain is lacking a chemical / insensitive to a chemical and it just needs help. And stop feeling ashamed on that account, which I kind of do even though I don't feel similarly judgey towards other people who need them. I guess I'm just supposed to be perfect, damn it! And I'm not.
Anyway, I have no excuse for a working from home day this week and therefore asked for an out of office hours appointment. So I was offered this morning. Or 3:10pm on Thursday. Eventually once she understood that I really did mean out of office hours I booked an early appointment on Saturday. Hopefully work will continue distracting me and I'll be able to wait that long but if I feel myself getting overwhelmed again I'll just have to work from home specifically for an earlier appointment. But I don't feel a day home alone would be helpful at the moment, in fact I'm specifically trying to avoid letting myself spend too much time inside my own head while my inclination is to wallow endlessly.
So that's where I am and that's enough of that.
Today I decided to try a slightly different variation of the intermittent fasting that I mentioned last week - still doing it, and still doing a 16hr fast with an 8hr eating window, but bringing the eating window forwards. I ate a mammoth breakfast around 6am and truly didn't want anything else until after 1, and even then it was more to make sure I had enough calories and protein than actual hunger. The plan is now to not eat until tomorrow morning. There are just 2 possible issues with it - the first is managing to eat enough for a day as early as breakfast  (although I can eat more often than once within my window if necessary) and the second is the risk that if I am hungry at night, I've been known to have (more) trouble sleeping when hungry. But I have a plan for each - basically if I can't finish the huge planned breakfast I'll simply take it to work in a food flask and keep at it (within the window) till I've eaten it all; and if I do find I'm lying awake hungry I'll just break the fast with something fairly light to get back to sleep and then reconsider my options. 
I would like to make it work as I've done a lot of reading on the benefits of fasting and think it would be nice to have me some of them... Especially as there have been studies suggesting that fasting can help alleviate depression and anxiety.
So the food today section keeps shrinking and getting less interesting ;-)

Breakfast: burgers 
Lunch: burger that I couldn't eat at breakfast 

Friday, 6 November 2015

Friday

Its Friday and a wet one. Both literally and figuratively. I'm feeling really down today. I'm not sure why, there's nothing concrete so I guess I'm just due one of my pointless and reasonless periods of depression. Watching Criminal Minds earlier I got weepy and it wasn't even a particularly heart rending story. Then I did the same thing again later - and that time it was a comedy I was watching. Even The Big Bang Theory couldn't cheer me up. I'm not looking for sympathy as this feels self indulgent even to me. It's more like a heads in that I'll probably be posting misery for a while. 
Logically I should be fairly happy today. I had a relatively pleasant weigh in (relatively - don't get excited on my behalf) and I succeeded in sticking to the 16/8 fasting protocol despite being quite hungry early on. But this evening I was driven to drink - just a glass and a half of wine, drunk within my eating window - because I don't feel good. And even though I knew it wouldn't help I needed it.
Might be time to go back to the doctor...

Food today:
Brunch: burgers (homemade from beef mince, cheese optional)
Also chicken wings but they were still in the George Foreman Grill when I took the picture 
Dinner: slow cooked pork shoulder (I made the 'crackling' into pork rinds for tomorrow and resisted eating any today)
Snacks: cream 

Thursday, 5 November 2015

Thursday again

And I had another physio appointment this morning, so I worked from home. My appointment this morning went a little differently - as I went in he asked how I'd been doing, and by the time I told him I'd been in pain most of the time since my last appointment he decided not to do any massaging today (he didn't say that was why, but it just didn't happen) so I'm in less pain now and expect to be able to walk tomorrow - a nice bonus. 
He's put me down for a course of classes in core strengthening stretches starting later in the month. Sadly they're after work and a drive away so I don't know how likely it is I'll do the full course, but I'll give it a shot. Assuming of course that the M4 doesn't get closed due to accidents every Tuesday from now till Christmas, it wouldn't surprise me if it did!
My appointment was quite early and I walked there so I got my walk in before the weather went to crap - well, kind of, it was dry on the way and drizzling most of the way back, but rained harder later. I didn't bother to go out again at lunchtime or after work.
I've decided to try intermittent fasting now that I'm more used to the carnivorous diet I'm on. Last time I tried, right after the BBC documentary with Michael Mosley, I caved due to bingeing on the food days. This time I expect fewer crazy cravings due to not eating carbs but I'm also taking a different approach - giving myself a shorter daily eating window instead of alternate day fasting. To start with I'm trying a 16:8 pattern (16 hrs fasting, 8 hr eating window) and today I managed it, although I did eat at 16hrs 1 minute :-) Considering I'd also walked almost 3 miles in that time I was quite happy with that. Of course not being bored in the office all morning did help with that - it's so much harder not to eat in work! 
Still, an ok start and I hope it works this time. I like the idea of not having to use the kitchen at work while the refurb is going on, so it would be ideal if I could just wait to eat till the evening. Even just breaking the 3 meals plus snack habit so I can eat breakfast at home, then dinner at home, and forget lunch would be better. I guess we'll see... Always tweaking :-)

Oh guess what, the fireworks are back tonight....

Food today: 
Brunch: burgers 
Dinner: egg drop soup 

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

Back to normal

In the office today there was a state of mild chaos as the office is being refurbished starting next week. We're expected to carry on as normal while they remove walls, rip out air conditioning and replace kitchens all around us. With no heating except that offered by electric heaters switched on by the first people in. Starting in November and running through January. Is it me or is that crazy?
Everyone I've spoken to - including myself - is planning to work from home a lot. The poor receptionist has no choice but to come in and is feeling hard done by. 
Anyway, moaning and criticising each new decision is a distraction from the normal frustrations of working. And I did enjoy a nice walk at lunchtime today (as the aches and pains felt much better) with walking buddies #1 and #2. Even though it was a really wet day to start and a grey day after that. By lunch it was just grey.
After work as usual was just unwinding over kitchen chores and TV watching. But I am happy to report that for the first time in over a week I didn't hear anything fireworks today! If only I didn't know it was about to start up again....

Food today:
Breakfast: cheesy scrambled eggs 
Lunch: lamb chops 
Dinner: egg drop soup (actually this time I just poached the egg in the stock instead of beating it and drizzling it in. A small but significant difference :-))
Snacks: cheese, cream 

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

Tuesday

I decided to ignore Monday this week as every time I tried to start a post it was so tedious I couldn't stay awake to write it. My weekend wasn't great either so I won't bother to bore you with the details.
I did go fairly hard off the wagon yesterday by eating a protein cookie and a protein flapjack late afternoon (which I turned into my dinner). I didn't enjoy them much so it was completely stupid, but when I added them into myfitnesspal I was surprised to learn that if their nutritional info is correct I still managed to stay within ketogenic carb levels which was quite a nice surprise. Because they contained gluteny grain flours I've been a little constipated today, but with no discomfort, and the carb increase only added half a pound according to the scales. Hopefully not enjoying it will be something I remember next time I just want something to eat no matter what.
So today became a start over day and didn't go badly. No extra food eaten. No exercise sadly due to miscellaneous aches and pains. No making things worse.

Food today:
Breakfast: egg-mayo pancake spread with cream cheese 
Lunch: burgers 
Dinner: egg drop soup 
Snacks: cheese 

Friday, 30 October 2015

Wet and dreary but it's Friday!

No letter postponing my eye appointment yet :-). No letter confirming it either mind you :-(
I decided to work from home today because of my back. I've been neglecting the stretches horribly, but it's because they are painful to do at the moment and I don't want to aggravate it again/more. Will it never stop???
I was bored rigid with the work I was doing and frustrated by the weather - but as it turned out later when the rain finally stopped, I wasn't comfortable walking anyway. I haven't had a proper walk in forever, it feels like.
I'm now lying on my bed listening to fireworks going off. They sound pretty close and it's the third or fourth night in a row. I miss the days when it really was only on bonfire night... I guess it's the price you pay when you want to live somewhere with mod cons instead of the middle of nowhere rural Wales...

Food today:
Breakfast: buffalo chicken wings 
Lunch: pork scratchings and cream cheese pancakes 
Dinner: 'soupified' pork mince 
Snacks: cream 

Thursday, 29 October 2015

When the fury dies down

What's left is apparently depression, which is a bit weird. But I do feel really down today. 
I went into the office and it was actually quite quiet due to a lot of permies being out for a training day, including most of the managers in the department. My recent surge in work that was making me feel more productive ended as there's a problem needing investigation so I was stuck with tedious paperwork today - that probably contributed to not feeling great, as did the excessive quantities of coffee I drank this morning. But there was also a general air of malaise in the whole office, and the extremely dreary weather didn't help either.
Whatever the reason, today just sucked. In yesterday's rage fuelled tantrum (by the way, apologies for my language, I do try not to go crazy with it here (you should hear me in real life!)) I didn't mention that as soon as I read the letter from the hospital I rang up to try to get some help from the consultant's PA who in the past has been able to find me a slot when the main appointments team couldn't; I was promised a call back today and surprisingly that did happen - and now I have a new appointment booked for Dec 3rd instead of the 24th. I'm very unconvinced, hoping it does happen while basically resigned to not having my check up this year. Resigned but not happy about it. I'm seriously considering making a formal complaint if it gets moved again but I'm a little bit concerned about whether that might just make me unpopular enough there to get no care at all. Admittedly the way things are going that looks a lot like what's happening already... If I'm lucky my file has a massive red flag on it saying DO NOT RESCHEDULE, since I left the poor woman I spoke to yesterday in no doubt as to the strength of my feelings!
I was too grumpy at lunchtime to inflict myself on my walking buddy - and way too grumpy to go out alone while stewing inside in my own head - so I stayed in the office, at my desk, and escaped into a novel instead. The walk might have been a better choice but almost certainly would have involved buying extra food, which is undesirable both in diet terms and in terms of having a budget to stick to now - so staying put was a good second best. At least I didn't let my own crazybrain talk me into eating off plan, even though it was a very hungry day. In fact I had nothing extra with me, and not going out prevented me from rectifying that, with the result that I ate exactly what was on my plan with no extras - a rare thing, I can tell you!
This evening was actually OK - I've been having a lot of computer trouble lately and (fingers crossed) an update I installed this morning may have improved the situation, in which case I won't have to throw my laptop out of the window any time soon...

Food today:
Breakfast: (not very satisfying) crab salad (tinned crab, mayo, dijon mustard and lemon juice - just a splash)
Lunch: meatloaf 
Dinner: lamb burgers 
Snacks: cheese 

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Incandescent with fury

The F**cking Royal f**cking Berkshire so called Hospital have just postponed my appointment for another 6 weeks. That's the third time THEY have changed this appointment, which was originally supposed to happen in the first week of September at the request of one of THEIR consultants. Oh yes, and the new appointment I've been offered is on Christmas Eve  - I'm sure THAT'S going to happen. They might as well have put another postponement letter in the same envelope to save postage.
Good job there's nothing wrong with my eyes, right? Right....

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Phew

I'm doing so much better today :-) The digestive issues all through the weekend and most of yesterday seem to have settled down thankfully. And even though I had too little sleep again last night my brain seems to be adapting to function with what it can get, so I don't feel as foggy. Also I was pretty depressed over the weekend - slight meltdown in which I basically felt like the fattest, laziest, most unfit slob that ever lived - and the clouds seem to be clearing on that front too.
I was really busy at work today and though the specific work I was doing was fairly tedious it was nice to feel more useful and productive. And I was finding issues, which is always nice :-)
The sun came out (literally, not a metaphor) in the morning and it looked quite pleasant out - and it actually stayed that way long enough for my lunchtime walk. It was even quite warm! Very nice for a change.
So today is a better day...

Food today:
Breakfast: meatloaf (beef, lamb and lamb's liver)
Lunch: meatloaf 
Dinner: egg drop soup 
Snacks: 

Monday, 26 October 2015

Urk

My weekend was lousy as I had an upset stomach both days that prevented me from going anywhere or doing anything except lying on the bed / sofa and sitting on the loo. And it was self inflicted too - too much fat eaten too fast to stave off the carb cravings on Friday.
More than TMI I'm sure. 
So I slept badly again last night - I tried a new hypnosis routine that had me falling asleep in a heartbeat but as always only gave me about 4 hrs sleep before I was waking up again. Then I dozed off for a while but didn't get enough quality sleep to feel particularly good today. I considered working from home but figured that I wasn't bad enough to genuinely need it, so dragged myself in. I'm probably glad I did as I went for my lunchbreak walk and enjoyed it, and enjoyed chatting with a couple of colleagues. Work itself was quite frustrating but there were no reports of things going wrong with the code we deployed on Friday so that was reassuring.

Food today:
Breakfast: pork scratchings 
Lunch: leftover burger and homemade broth 
Dinner: meatloaf 
Snacks: cheese 

Friday, 23 October 2015

Friday overtime

Its hard to be excited for Friday when you finish work at 4 then start again at 5:30...
Ah well, overtime = extra money so think positive Chrissie!
Actually I can't because today has been horrible. I still have back pain so I stayed home instead of going in to the office. I still struggled to get comfortable though. And all afternoon I had cravings for many slices of white toast. Not even gf toast, or artisan worth the pain toast, just slices of cheap white toasted bread. At one point I found myself heading towards the kitchen to give in - but at the last minute stopped myself. Considering how long I've been gf apart from the occasional stumble you'd think that I wouldn't even give bread a second thought but no... I resorted to drinking a diet ginger beer. I'm trying to give them up, but regardless of criticisms of artificial sweeteners I can't help feeling it's better for me than a shed load of gluten laden carby crap. However the effect wasn't particularly long lasting and I then tried some cream, and some cream cheese... Clinging to the thought that these are all mostly fat with protein not what I consider to be junk food. 
At lunchtime I didn't go far a walk, I tried to do my stretches instead. Some of them felt good, some not so much. One quite painful so I quickly backed off on that one. 
Given the above I'm sure you can understand why I'm feeling a fair bit of self pity right now. The forecast storms and below freezing temperatures coming up over the weekend are really not helping. I had plans damn it! OK they require the ability to walk further than the end of the drive, but I'm kind of hoping that's not beyond reach. Hmph.
The overtime work started half an hour late (didn't the same thing happen last time?) and therefore finished half an hour late as well but with no major issues on my end that I'm aware of - I won't know for sure till maybe Tuesday as people use it in the real world. And now I am tired of today so I am declaring it officially over.

Food today:
Breakfast: smallish rump steak with fried eggs 
Lunch: hot pickled beef 
Dinner: bacon 
Snacks: cream and cream cheese 

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Why don't therapeutic massages feel as good as recreational ones?

Well, it didn't rain this morning so I managed to walk to my appointment dry which is good. He's pleased with my progress and added another new stretch to my repertoire for the next couple of weeks. That's all good. Less good was the lower back pain an hour or so later that led to me comfort eating about 1000 excess calories in pork scratchings and cream. Ah well. He tried to mobilise my lower back muscles by basically kneading me like a loaf of bread (you're probably more gentle with your loaves  Joy). It will be good if the mobility does improve but at the moment it sucks. After work I had a hot bath in hopes it would help and it did while I was in there - but the effects didn't persist once I dragged myself out. I had been planning to go for a walk at lunchtime and couldn't even face that - apart from popping to the nearest convenience store otherwise known as pork scratchings and cream shop. 
I cheered myself up a bit by watching Back to the Future while I worked (am I the only one inspired to rewatch them all by the recent 'what did they get right / wrong ' stories on the news websites this week because yesterday was the date they went forward to in the second movie?)
I had a Tesco delivery due between 3 &  4 pm and worked on a little later than usual to make up the time for my appointment earlier. Then it was a pyjamas evening with a lavish serving of self pity....

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Only Wednesday???

Last night wasn't quite as encouraging as the night before though still better than Sunday night and most of the last few weeks. I fell asleep soooo quickly - that part was brilliant - but it's the waking time that is still an issue. Definitely carrying on with the new routine though to see how things develop. I wonder if my reluctance to get up had anything to do with a subconscious reaction to the horrible weather? Bad enough that it's dark in the mornings without rain as well. Especially given that I loathe driving in the rain - not just because of the rain itself but more because of the spray from other vehicles and lorries in particular.
It was hideous pretty much all morning but miraculously dried up in time for my walk - although it stayed very dreary and miserable. 
After work I had a very very brief stroll to the local shop. I couldn't do more because I had things to do, but it was enough to remind me that it does me good to get out after work when I can.
Tomorrow I have a physio appointment and I will be working from home. I really hope for dry weather at least in the morning so I can walk to the clinic without getting wet! 

Food today:
Breakfast: beef heart 
Lunch: meatballs 
Dinner: hot pickled beef 
Snacks: cheese, cream 

Monday, 19 October 2015

Tuesday and (fairly) well rested

I did find and try a sleep hypnosis programme yesterday and I did fall asleep quite quickly - the programme lasted 29 minutes and I have no idea how it ended. I also didn't keep waking up, though I did still wake in the morning at about the same time as usual. Still, that's a big enough improvement to persuade me to continue trying it. I didn't do that in isolation - I also spent the time before bed doing word searches in a paper book instead of reading a backlit kindle (since exposure to that kind of light is blamed for poor sleep) and used a magnesium supplement that is considered to help with sleep - a spray that's absorbed through the skin. I'll be  continuing with all these things for a while to see how I get on as I think a lot of these things cause a gradual improvement rather than working optimally on day 1. Definitely off to a good start - and I wasn't groggy in the morning the way I am if I take Nytol. Usually I wake before my alarm goes off then lie in bed praying it's not nearly morning until the alarm does go off, then I swear and stumble out of bed. This morning I got up before the alarm because I wasn't desperately trying to squeeze out a few more minutes sleep. Of course it is possible my exhaustion simply peaked yesterday and I would have slept better and therefore woken easier even if I'd done none of the above. I can't test that possibility easily and don't mind continuing for now anyway so I'll see how it goes. I did get tired after my lunch time walk - around 2 - but that was so much better than yesterday!
I've been having laptop problems recently and haven't caught up with my blogs or been very productive lately. I'm rubbish with hardware for someone who works in IT - I'm not proud of it but it's true. I just decided last night to reinstall an operating system upgrade from a couple of weeks ago and the damn thing took all last night, was still saying it would be another  6 hours when I left work, and was waiting for me to press a button when I got home from work  - absolutely ridiculous! Sometimes I hate computers. Then I read a blog / order an ebook and love them all over again ;-)

Breakfast: eggs and smoked sausage 
Lunch: pork, Italian herb and parmesan meatballs in homemade bone broth 
Dinner: hot pickled beef (SAVANYC MARHAHUS) - something I've wanted to try since a passing mention in a Sue Grafton book, and it was as good as I hoped despite my non-traditionally cooking it in a slow cooker. 
Snacks: cheese and smoked sausage 

Monday AGAIN???

Saturday night I woke up about 2am (with agonising cramp in my right leg so extreme I leapt up in horror and promptly nearly fell over because the leg and the attached foot didn't want to straighten enough to hold me up - that was restful) and never got back to sleep. Then Sunday I walked 13 miles with my brother... (25 miles in total for the weekend)




You'd think last night I would have been out like a light but unfortunately at some point yesterday my back started bothering me, I guess because we were walking on uneven surfaces (and slippery in places) rather than nice firm pavements, and it was hard to get comfortable when I went to bed. And then I woke up before 4 am again. It's hardly surprising my eyes are sore (both of them not just the crappy one), my head is both fuzzy and buzzy from caffeine, and even though I had a perfectly good breakfast I had also eaten my intended lunch by (I can't believe I'm admitting this) 8 am!!!
Insomnia sucks big time.
This morning I woke up stiff and aching pretty much everywhere although a good stretch sorted most of it out and a hot shower helped too. But I was massively unhappy with the fact that it was Monday already and I was expected to work!  I wanted to work from home but was afraid I'd fall asleep if I did so I dragged myself into the office.
And started eating... I stuck with acceptable foods but portion control went completely out of my head. And stomach. It is hard to overeat protein and fats but I'm quite capable of rising to the challenge...
I was torn between trying to get a few minutes good napping time at lunchtime or going for a walk. The walk won because regardless of how appealing the idea of a nap may be I always feel groggy and thick headed afterwards. Plus sleeping in a car is not my thing but neither is sleeping at my desk and waking up to find people pointing, laughing and photographing my drooling sleep face. Did I say napping was an appealing idea??? Anyway, I walked, it was good because I didn't fall asleep although it was grey and uninspiring (and the sky was much less dramatic than the one in the pictures above) and I had a good chat. Although I almost refused to go back to work, when faced with walking up a steep bridge over the M4. And almost ran away when we walked back into the car park. The downside of the walk was that it allowed me to buy more unnecessary calories - which I then consumed.
After work and food prep jobs I sought out and downloaded a free sleep hypnosis thing to my iPad. It's poised to play as soon as I turn off the light and I'll fill you in on how it goes tomorrow. I am hopeful - a while back I bought Paul McKenna's I can make you thin book which came with a self hypnosis cd; it didn't make me think obviously but that could be because I listened to it in bed and always fell asleep before the end - which I hope is a good sign! Thanks for the suggestion, Diane!

Food today:
Breakfast: homemade sausage patties with fried eggs 
Brunch/morning snack/Lunch: pork scratchings at 8 am. And bacon at 1 pm.
Dinner: the last piece of meatloaf 

Help

I am so tired I can't even imagine or remember not being tired.
I need to sleep for a week.
Sadly life does not permit 

Saturday, 17 October 2015

Saturday in London again

So we went to London today on impulse. We got off to a poor start when we accidentally got on a stopping train instead of a much faster one - adding an hour to the journey time :-0
By the time we finally got there we were both starving so we started looking for somewhere to eat - we had a bbq place in mind but halfway there decided it was too far and turned back to a place we'd passed along the way. 
After lunch we went for a coffee before finally starting to walk properly. It was a fairly dull day but mild and dry, and we covered a reasonable distance - back and forwards along The Strand and Fleet Street, then through Trafalgar Square, along Pall Mall, past Buckingham Palace, through Green Park, Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens and then on to Paddington.




After the (much shorter) train ride back again we walked along the river a bit before heading home. About 12 miles in total and I felt good about it!

Seriously, does anyone know how to resize photos using the blogger app for iPhone? Does it require buying a paid app or something? Apologies for the massive and intrusive size of all my photos since I started adding them again...
Food today:
Breakfast: 3 bacon rashers 
Lunch: 

The Almighty - I only ate the 2 burger patties with cheese and a piece of bacon
Dinner: tandoori mixed grill from the takeaway. (Of which I ate about half - so I have some left for tomorrow!)


Thursday, 15 October 2015

Thursday

Well, as predicted I didn't sleep well last night. I actually got up about 4:15 because it seemed pointless to just keep lying there with my brain running in circles. I didn't feel as tired as I expected once I got up though, something of a miracle.
I was really hoping for something quite challenging at work so I could distract myself and stay awake, but it was not to be - I was regression testing, AKA rerunning tests I've run a thousand times before in case new development has broken older pre-existing functionality. It's always boring, sometimes the mindlessness is useful but not today.
I found the energy for the mandatory lunchtime walk and even managed to buy some stuff. Which I refused on principle to buy a plastic carrier bag for, even though I had to stuff a kilo of rice into the inner pocket of my fleece and walk back to the office looking slightly deformed. 
Soon after we got back I started feeling less than well - a bit wobbly; luckily I'd also bought some precooked bacon and was able to eat my way out of wobbliness! I felt fine after that which was fortunate because I had an appointment to donate blood this evening and didn't want to cancel it. It was fine and now I'm so tired all I can do is have the most ridiculously early early night ever - switching the lights off... Now!

Food today:
Breakfast: beef burger sliced in half to form the 'bread' for a cheese sandwich and a cup of homemade bone broth 
Lunch: cold meat sandwiches - made using a couple of the pancakes I made yesterday evening.
Dinner: bone broth and pork scratchings 
Snacks: bacon 

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

Work is tiring

Even though all I do is test software. Actually it's really not sleeping well that is tiring, I'm just feeling it more because people frown on taking a nap at your desk. I wish I could have a decent nights sleep - I've now tried 1) taking an early night with no chemical assistance 2) staying up a bit later to hopefully readjust my body clock 3) taking Nytol and 4) (oops) a little whisky last night to help me relax. Nothing is working! And it's probably beginning a cycle of drinking more caffeine because I'm so tired and sleeping less because of all the caffeine. Aaarrgghhhh 
I did have the energy for a walk at lunchtime, in fact I desperately needed it to get away from the desk. I think I'm getting old - I walked to the supermarket then couldn't remember what I wanted. I still can't remember what I wanted! I wandered around the meat section briefly hoping to spot something that would jog my memory then went back to the office empty handed.
This evening became an emotional time due to family drama and upset. I was in the position of mediator of sorts - yeah, I suck at that and relying on me to help with this stuff is more likely to result in a homicide investigation than hugs all round. I'm all worked up now (look at the way I'm making it all about me when it's not) - I hate conflict and people hurting my family, and most of all my family hurting each other :-(

Food today:
Breakfast: meatloaf 
Lunch: meatloaf 
Dinner: burger, bone broth, and a cheese sandwich made with a pancake from a recipe I found on a forum. I can't really link to the recipe but you blend mayo with eggs and a little flavouring - in my case salt, garlic powder and onion powder - then fry them as a normal pancake. Really good!
Snacks: cheese 

Weight today: 11 st 3.8 lbs / 157.8 lbs / 71.7 kgs