Tuesday, 28 March 2017


I feel kind of peaceful today and I like it!
I slept quite well until about 4am, but I have been waking at 3 a lot so that felt like a lie in!
This morning I walked into town and got my hair cut - you all know how much I love doing that - but I was looking a bit like a monkey peering out of a bush so it was needed. I did a little shopping as well while I was out and when I got home I'd done about 9400 steps so I decided to make sure I got it up to 10000. I'd mowed the lawn yesterday so I settled for hoovering today and easily achieved the goal. Small things obsess bored minds! As I also got some laundry done I managed to make myself feel quite productive. And I finally heard back from KeepWalesTidy - a non-profit organization that unsurprisingly works with the council to deal with litter, fly tipping etc. They provide volunteers ('litter champions') with the kit but don't organize the actual picking expeditions so I will be able to do what and when I want. I have to meet up with him in a week or so to get my equipment and chat about health and safety.
I also called my dad today. I've been neglecting him horribly lately and it was really nice to talk to him. All these positives helping me feel better! Plus sunshine this morning (then rain this afternoon, then sunshine again). 

Monday, 27 March 2017


So it's been a while. Straight off I should say I'm doing a bit better now. 
On Wednesday last I hit what I hope is rock bottom. I'm was, I think, in a bit of a manic state - nervous, anxious, aggressive, babbling like a lunatic - earlier in the day, followed by a collapse that had me spending the second part of the day lying in bed seriously wishing I was dead. I'm not exaggerating when I say that if I habitually kept sharp knives in the bedroom I might have done myself some harm, but luckily I don't, and was in a state of such apathy physically that I couldn't even get up. 
Before you call the Samaritans though, I woke up on Thursday feeling at least a third of the way back to being human and apart from a few short lived slips between then and now I have been climbing up from the depths ever since. Maybe I had to sink that far down in order to get my feet under me so I could push back up? I don't know. (I do know I hope I never feel like that again  and I don't want to dwell on it, especially as there were terrible things happening outside that bedroom, in the heart of London, that put things into perspective.)
Yesterday I didn't just feel better, I felt good - I went to see my mum for Mother's Day and we chatted and set the world to rights and hugged a lot; my brother popped in as well so I had a real family day and it was GOOD.
Today I'm a bit knackered but feeling quite positive. I've even been catching up on several days worth of blogs and Facebook and I want to say I'm sorry I've been worrying you Diane and Joy - so sorry. I can't promise I'm really back but at the least I feel like I'm nearly back and so much better than I was last week. And thank you so much for caring xxx

Monday, 20 March 2017


I think I have the loveliest bloggy friends in the world and I want to thank you for your comments since I last raised my head above the parapet. I can't imagine ever being offended or feeling patronized by your expressing concern and caring and wanting to help... I do hope that you aren't offended if you offer suggestions and I don't immediately follow them... The fact is I absolutely agree that volunteering would probably help me but at the moment I can't face the pressure of anyone depending on me... However large or small the expectation, just thinking about it paralyzes me with dread of failing people as I already feel I'm letting down M by not contributing financially, my family by not having the strength to be more available to them, and you guys for not finding the energy to even post regularly. It is just on hold for now though, and I do intend to do something about it when I start feeling stronger. I have however enquired about my voluntary litter picking idea - it should give me a reason to go out when I'm ready, and will probably lead to some superficial human contact from passers-by if I work in public areas, but I should be able to set my own hours and no one else needs to be working around me and my weirdness. Watch this space.
I also have some stuff going on in the job search that I'm not ready to talk about yet, so there might be a tiny flickering glimmer of light a mile above me as I look up from the bottom of the abyss... 
I know how melodramatic that sounded.... It is how I felt on Thursday when I last posted. Later that day I splurged on chocolate and felt even worse. Saturday and Sunday weren't great - small uplifting moments followed by crashing back down and hiding from life in the bathroom... The one saving grace is that I'm still in control of the drinking. I'm not not drinking, but I'm not drinking every evening and not getting anywhere near buzzed even when I do. And I'm not giving up on that. I'm certainly not doing as good a job of controlling the food. 

Thursday, 16 March 2017

I am becoming a recluse

As my job situation is unchanged I'm getting more depressed, more frustrated and more desperate. I'm sleeping worse than ever, have very little interest in going out and about, lack energy and feel physically crappy.
Although anyone who's read this blog for a while - or looked at the archives - will have plenty of evidence to refute this statement, I don't actually enjoy writing the same self pitying stuff over and over again, which is why I haven't posted for over a week. I know that not posting - and as a result not getting comments that might help - only makes me feel worse but that hasn't seemed like a good enough reason to do so.
Thank you Joy for your comment, I really do appreciate you taking the time to check up on me. I'm sorry to repay you with all this complaining, but it's all I have at the moment - I just want to 'take to my bed' and hibernate until my life stops sucking.

Wednesday, 1 March 2017


I am bereaved today. This morning, at approximately 11, my washing machine died. It was a little melodramatic in its dying - I opened the door after washing some bedding to a smell of scorching, and as I pulled out the sheets I spotted multiple burns on the duvet cover - large holes, each surrounded by a brown scorch mark. I've had that washing machine for over a decade and it's moved all over the place with us. Now the drum moves backwards and forwards as well as spinning around, and there's a clonking sound as it does so. Given its age we'll probably replace it rather than trying to get it repaired, so I spent some time this evening looking at various websites trying to decide which one I fancy. Is it just me, or are there actually 457636884 different models of washing machine with virtually no  significant difference between them? And is there anything more ridiculous than the language used by hyperactive advertising people to describe what is basically a boring kitchen appliance? M found one site which encouraged the shopper to get excited about a tray in the door allowing you to add a dropped sock to the load after starting the washing. The mind boggles.
Apart from the suicide of my washing machine it was a quiet day spent mostly trying to learn to write basic code that could be useful for automated testing. I never spent any time in development due to getting sidelined into testing very early in my career and I don't expect to make a change now but I am quite enjoying the challenge.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning (well earlier really, that's just when I pried my eyes open wide enough to see the clock) and realized I'd forgotten to take last night's antidepressant pill. It felt too late to take it then as sleepiness is a side effect and I didn't want to disrupt my sleeping patterns any more, but I did spend the morning battling a headache while doing housework and had no energy. I walked up the hill to the local shop this afternoon and as I plodded up the steepest bit, cursing every step, a young boy (probably 8-ish I would guess, which given my experience of kids really means somewhere between 5 and 14) ran - RAN  past me up the hill. RAN. Little monster, how dare he make me feel so old??? I'm pretty sure he did it on purpose. I'm so unfit...

Tuesday, 28 February 2017


I actually forgot to post yesterday - literally never even thought of it all day long. I spent the morning working over my CV since it was obviously broken, and I enjoyed that so very much, with its reminders of how long I'd spent doing something I don't like, and how much I have to want to do it again... I basically stopped using all IT after that for the rest of the day.
The weekend was also pretty rubbish based on the appalling weather which imprisoned me indoors apart from a couple of very quick dashes to the nearest shop.
We did watch The Angry Birds movie which was the best movie of all time and was thoroughly robbed in the 2015 Oscars selection process. Robbed I tell you. Plus I'm now hooked on Angry Birds again after losing interest years ago. I'm so suggestible it's embarrassing.
Today was better though. I woke up at 3:30 which was lovely, and expected the whole day to sucks. But I forced myself out to go to the library, and through getting lost slightly on the way back (no, it wasn't my regular library, my sense of direction isn't that bad) I walked over 5 miles. And only got rained / sleeted on for the last 10 or 15 minutes of it!
However my eating was rubbish. But I talked to agents who were positive about my employability so that cheered me up. Plus watching some Vera and QI XL. The early start is catching up with me now.

Friday, 24 February 2017


The sun came out today! It's due to be the only nice day for the foreseeable future so it was lovely to see.
I started the day with a trip to Aldi which led to trips to a Tesco Express and Londis because Aldi let me down on a couple of bits. When I got home I did some exciting laundry and my father in law popped round for a chat, so we discussed healthy living, weight loss etc. He was making valid points that Diane, Joy and every one has been making here - about moderation, not total restriction, and about consistency and patience. I do listen to everyone, honestly - I just find it hard to put into practice. 
After he left I got on the climber for 20 minutes, followed by some online training and then a late walk.

I also watched Shop Well for Less to see if I could pick up any tips. I felt the family was so extreme - £12000 of shoes, for goodness sake! And I'm not a brand buyer anyway so it wasn't as useful as I hoped but it was interesting. I also had a look on the Net at a bulk buying website to see if I might be able to save money there and plan a price comparison exercise to see what I can do - not processed foods, but toiletries, cleaning and laundry products for instance. Does anyone use any of these sites? The one I'm looking at at the moment is called Eatbig.co.uk.