Tuesday, 1 May 2018

Plodding on

Missed a couple of posts again.
On Thursday I had a slightly uncomfortable situation where I discovered that a person st work I considered a friendly coworker had tried to make me look bad by repeating a joke I made months ago out of context and it depressed the hell out of me. Because I'm a balanced, sane, intelligent person I dwelt on it all day Friday getting more and more cynical and miserable and allowing it to taint my positive thoughts about my job. This has a lot to do with me not posting on Friday. About the most positive spin I've managed to put on this is that still least I know he can't be trusted now, and will maintain a purely professional relationship with him from now on, but the downside to that is that I feel less relaxed and more in need of monitoring myself than I did and am therefore less happy in my job.
I'm fairly sure I'm over-reacting to what happened but it just feels safer to hide behind a bit of a fence right now.

I did nothing worthy of mention all weekend.

Yesterday I worked from home because I had an appointment with my doctor to ask for an increased dose of my antidepressants - Amitriptylin. She agreed to increase the dosage but also talked about hormones, ovaries shutting down, and HRT.
This did not make me feel more positive.
I'm not grown up enough to need HRT  (I mean I'm not on it yet, but she's talking about it if the antidepressants increase doesn't have the required effects)

Good things: None spring to mind 

Food today: 
Breakfast: mini pesto egg muffins with fruit salad 
Lunch: golden cauliflower soup (made with two-thirds cauliflower plus Butternut squash)
Dinner: chicken stir fry or chicken salad depending on my mood 
Snack: fruit and veg - namely carrot sticks and houmous 

Thursday, 26 April 2018

Still not whole 30

I was right when I figured yesterday that a carby breakfast might leave me struggling to stay in control later - I ate the planned menu but added some chocolate and stuff. And beer.
Today I have a lunch meeting in a not gluten free Cafe so I know that lunch will be gluteny as well.
I've become aware when trying to be whole 30 ish (and failing) of some physical effects from eating gluten that I hadn't noticed before and that leave me more determined to be as gluten free as possible - while accepting that sometimes it's just easier to eat a minimal amount. Hopefully that will be enough to minimize the side effects.
I'm also considering giving myself a break from trying and failing to diet. I'm not a single pound lighter than I was when I started; that could be because of my gut microbiome or because of my brain chemistry or because I'm not on the right dose of antidepressants and I'm comfort eating. Which ever is the answer, my current approach to solving it really isn't. The question is, if I did that would I level off on the eating and weight or would I go overboard? The answer remains to be seen I guess. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday and will be asking about increasing the dose. If I also focus on the GF side which I freely admit to letting slide, perhaps I'll get myself into a healthier place to start the weight loss fight again.
Any comments however critical would be appreciated. A part of me sees this idea as copping out and giving up, but I'm clearly missing part of the puzzle and I'm sick of finding different ways to fail at the same thing.
Food today:
(still planning to do this)
Breakfast: egg, chicken, avocado mayonnaise salad with GF bread and fruit
Lunch:? Some kind of sandwich I expect
Dinner: chicken with sautéed new potatoes and broccoli with homemade mayonnaise
Snack: I'll try to keep it to fruit

Wednesday, 25 April 2018

Not so whole 30

So, I planned to be whole 30 all day, with soup for breakfast again. This time the soup wasn't based on a recipe, but I has some on Monday and it was fine. This morning not so much. Is it over cooking that makes soup taste oddly... Vinegary? It certainly didn't improve with keeping like most soups do.
Anyway,, I was in work when I tried it and desperate, so I breakfasted on scotch pancakes left over from yesterday's free breakfast treats. So annoying.
Joy, I can't put the recipes on here as they aren't mine, but the pesto (dairy free) and mayonnaise, plus the soup (silky zucchini soup) can all be found online at the https://meljoulwan.com website along with many other great recipes. I'd link them directly but I have problems inserting links into posts written on my phone, sorry!
Diane, I'll definitely look out for that TED Talk (I love TED Talks). I've read a little bit about the effects of diet on mood and mental health and I don't doubt it's real. Unfortunately I've seen articles advocating a vegetarian diet, a carnivorous diet, and everything in between so my problem so far has been figuring out which one would be right for me! I need someone to test my blood and magically tell me what to eat, I think. Along with locking me up so I have to follow their instructions.

Anyway, so, food today:
Breakfast: broccoli and cauliflower soup (three mouthfuls) followed by scotch pancakes and fruit,and a hard boiled egg
Lunch: grilled chicken thighs with courgetti in pesto sauce
Dinner: pan fried venison steak with Mediterranean roast vegetables
Snack: hopefully none, but knowing me, having started the day with refined carbs... All the other carbs in Cardiff. I'll let you know later.

PS it's M's birthday so if there should be some carbs I won't be as judgey as usual

Tuesday, 24 April 2018


The sunny weather didn't last long, did it?
Very uneventful day today. I did resist an opportunity to pig out on free carby breakfast treats at work today. And not because I was uninterested in the treats, either.
I was strong. Maybe tomorrow I will be strong again. Or maybe not.

Food today:
Breakfast: Gingered courgette soup, a hard boiled eggs and some fruit
Lunch: chicken and broccoli with homemade pesto mayonnaise
Dinner: whole 30 beef with cashews

Monday, 23 April 2018

Damn, I did it again

Please don't think that because I keep disappearing without a trace that I don't appreciate your comments and spending your time reading and thinking up ways to help me fix my crazy brain - I really really do!
I'm still in a bit of a funk so I'll just rush through a quick summary of the week.
Wednesday - just a bit dull, with ongoing headache and backache and angst. Overate of course, starting with a free Greggs breakfast roll because my manager wanted to treat the team.
Thursday - really fed up, headache, backache, desperate desire to run away from my life.
Friday - very bad backache (probably exacerbated because I walked from the train station Thursday evening doing a duck impression due to blisters on the little toe of both feet) and still that niggling headache. I worked from home and rested NY back.
Saturday - back felt better, so I took a shorter walk in different shoes - and carried back too much shopping, which of course meant more backache later. I spent the afternoon doing some food prep for the whole 30 / making compliant mayonnaise, pesto and 3 flavours of homemade 'sausage' as well as some chicken stock to be turned into soup on Sunday.
Sunday was going to be the first whole 30 day. I got up, and had homemade sausage with soft fried eggs. 2 hours later that niggling headache I've deliberately mentioned in tedious detail decided to finally mutate into a full on skull piercing migraine - complete with near-projectile vomiting and the loss of my breakfast. I then lay down for the rest of the morning, and my lunchtime I was hungry - no breakfast, remember - and feeling better than I had for almost 2 weeks. This quite likely supports Diane's hormonal connection as I was particularly prone to migraines in my hormonal teens, almost monthly in fact...
Anyhow. Sunday afternoon I watched TV and made two vegetable soups but didn't really stick to the whole 30 after the disruption of the early sickness. I felt like I really wasted the lovely sunny day as I never went outside - I'm quite light sensitive around migraines.
That brings me to today - I hadn't booked the day off, and I was so happy about that decision given how little of my Sunday was really utilized. I had some boring chores to do - laundry, hoovering and the never ending dishwasher duty - but I also managed a five mile walk (no back pain) to my nearest Lidl (I prefer the closer Aldi). It was intermittently sunny and warm, but very chilly when the sun went behind the clouds, and I had no time constraints so I really enjoyed it even though I actually just  walked to my usual train station and then carried on for another half mile or so.

Good things: the headache is gone!!! And with it a lot of the drive to eat badly.
I really like my homemade mayonnaise and pesto - they're delicious (both recipes from Well Fed / Well Fed 2 by Melissa Joulwan)
Sunny (or at least light) mornings
Last week was my first anniversary as a permie employee, and despite my frequent whingeing I like it much more than I ever expected to.

Food today:
Breakfast: a little pork mince sautéed with peppers and onion, with a couple of eggs poach/fried in with it
Lunch: broccoli and cauliflower soup and some melon and cashews
Dinner: homemade fajita seasoning I made this afternoon on a mix of beef mince, peppers and onions  accompanied by Avocado, tomatillo salsa and a little homemade mayo to cool it down, on a bed of romaine lettuce leaves
Snack (you're not supposed to snack, ideally, but it takes time to get the meal size right) 2 kiwi fruit

Tuesday, 17 April 2018


I was hoping that I was on the way up last week but apparently what I had thought was to keep bottom was actually on a narrow ledge alongside a further drop and I wasn't pointing in the right direction after all.
I binged yesterday and that was after overeating all weekend.
It seems to me that my off switch was turned to the on position and then snapped off so I couldn't use it.
I have no sense of moderation. If I try to restrict I hope crazy. If I don't try to resist I feed my cravings and go crazy.
But if I'm trying to restrict at least some of the time I'm not actually trying to explode myself.
I'm going to try to do a whole 30 again starting at the weekend (so I can get my weekly shop on Friday to stock up for it) and I hope by then I might manage to convince myself I haven't already failed at it.
I've had a niggling not too bad headache for about a week and I'm losing the will to live.
Perhaps I need to be locked in a padded cell with a slot in the door allowing only real, healthy nutritional food in. Does anyone have such a room? I only need it for a month or two. Or three.

ETA Food today :
Breakfast : 2 hard-boiled eggs with packaged salad and commercial caesar salad dressing (I know that's not the best choice and plan to make my own for the whole 30)
Lunch : aldi skinny Thai carrot soup followed by fat free greek yogurt and raisins
Dinner : homemade sausage and bean casserole with broccoli
Snacks: watermelon fingers, satsuma and apple

Thursday, 12 April 2018

Overwhelming desire to hide

I'm feeling really down again today. Fighting the urge to walk out of the office, hit the road and just keep going - or run home and hide under the covers.
Not sure why I'm feeling this way - but fighting it.